Cancer

My mom got cancer.

It’s nothing like you imagine really. It really isn’t.
I feel like everyone has this crazy idea of how you would react if it was you in this situation. But you really don’t, because it is nothing like you could imagine. When you first hear it, it doesn’t seem real, but you still wanna cry your eyes out.

After that comes the silence. You’ve had a long conversation with your whole family, you’ve probably cried. And now is the first time you’re alone after the news. That period lasted a long time for me. I just kinda sat my room and stared into nothing. I think i just sat there for around 4 hours.

Then comes the time, where you wanna tell your friends, but you can’t. You can’t because you don’t know what you would expect them to answer. You don’t even know what you want them to say because nothing will help. You don’t even know how to say it.
“Hey, my mom has cancer, how is your summer?” nothing seems right.

And the longer times passes, the more it hits you, the sadder you get.

The first time it really hits you, is when you’re at the hospital. That’s where it hits you real hard. It only goes down hill from there. No sleep at night, you can’t concentrate on anything, you have no motivation to do anything, and you feel guilty every time you leave the house because” you are leaving your sick mom at home to be with your friends”, even though you haven’t left the house in a month.

That’s where I am now. I don’t sleep, I don’t leave the house and I have no motivation.

But does it get better?

I don’t know. But tomorrow it’s my mom’s big operation, and maybe it gets better after that? I don’t know.