Cancer

My mom got cancer.

It’s nothing like you imagine really. It really isn’t.
I feel like everyone has this crazy idea of how you would react if it was you in this situation. But you really don’t, because it is nothing like you could imagine. When you first hear it, it doesn’t seem real, but you still wanna cry your eyes out.

After that comes the silence. You’ve had a long conversation with your whole family, you’ve probably cried. And now is the first time you’re alone after the news. That period lasted a long time for me. I just kinda sat my room and stared into nothing. I think i just sat there for around 4 hours.

Then comes the time, where you wanna tell your friends, but you can’t. You can’t because you don’t know what you would expect them to answer. You don’t even know what you want them to say because nothing will help. You don’t even know how to say it.
“Hey, my mom has cancer, how is your summer?” nothing seems right.

And the longer times passes, the more it hits you, the sadder you get.

The first time it really hits you, is when you’re at the hospital. That’s where it hits you real hard. It only goes down hill from there. No sleep at night, you can’t concentrate on anything, you have no motivation to do anything, and you feel guilty every time you leave the house because” you are leaving your sick mom at home to be with your friends”, even though you haven’t left the house in a month.

That’s where I am now. I don’t sleep, I don’t leave the house and I have no motivation.

But does it get better?

I don’t know. But tomorrow it’s my mom’s big operation, and maybe it gets better after that? I don’t know.

lonely loser?

So… there’s a lot of things I never talk about. Honestly I never really blog anymore. But when I do, It’s never about me. It’s about my current life perspective. And I feel like for once being honest.

I have this blog for no reason what so ever. I have 0 followers and 0 readers on every post. This is like a diary to me. This blog is anonymous, I never tell anyone about it.  Once I talked with my psychiatrist, and she told me that many of her patients have had a lot of success when they started to keep a blog. I can’t even recall the reason, I just thought I would try it. And even though I never really use it, it is really helping.  I can’t explain it, it’s just nice to know that literally, anyone can read this, but no one has to.

I could imagine, that if anyone ever run into this blog one day. And see all of my posts, with 0 reads or likes. They must think I’m a lonely loser. I would too probably, this blog is purely for myself, and no one else.